I will never claim to have it all figured out, but I've always had an independent/self-generated view of dating and partnership ( immune to societal pressures and expectations, but not to other pitfalls). What's the end goal now? That's easy to state and hard to find: Love. A partnership that is so good it's better than being unpartnered.


Enjoying day to day…very lucky to have someone to share moments with. My LT marriage showed me that societal relationship expectations are sht. I’m gonna do me :)


I do not have it " all figured out" but post divorce I have evolved and challenged a lot of unexamined ideas I had.


My friend, I am trying to figure out the exact same thing. Pinch, poke, you owe me a Coke.


I have no idea. I thought I would marry and live with a man again, but I’ve been thinking that may not be the case.


I am in for someone who I can have fun and share adventures with. Someone who makes me a better person. And someone I can have lots of great sex with.


How would someone else be able to make you a better person? I truly do not understand this thinking….


A partner can help us be a better person by encouraging the best aspects of us. For example, they could encourage us not to drink excessively. Or they could give us advice about how to better handle a conflict with our kids. For me, this is one of the main things I am looking for in a partner--that they can help me be a better person and that I can help them in a similar way.


Ok, thanks for sharing. It’s interesting to see what people really value in a partnership. I love when these forums actually uncover meaningful shit 🤣


What WindowFuzz said. Also, I became very aware that my ex made me a worse person. He made me mean because he was mean. I resolved never to date anyone who had that effect on me again.


I'm sorry to hear that he had that effect on you--how did you notice it was happening to you? Did you see a negative change in your behavior?


There was a general environment of criticism. He is an extremely critical person (of everyone but himself ofc!) and I fell into the habit of criticising and thinking the worst of people and their motives. My current partner is a much kinder individual who gives people the benefit of the doubt and he makes me be much more like that too - which is actually my nature.


Thanks for sharing that. It is amazing to me how so many people don't realize this about themselves (i.e., that they are overly critical and how that negatively impacts everyone around them).


This is what I hope for, someone who inspires me to be a better me. Meanwhile, trying to be better on my own.


That’s great-I think the efforts we make to improve ourselves help attract like minded people to us as well, so it can be a virtuous cycle. The one problem is that the pool of available partners shrinks as we improve ourselves-we have to resist getting sucked back down to the lowest common denominator…


Well, of course I want the Hallmark Movie. 😀 But I somehow have a suspicion that isn't likely to happen. I would love to have someone who wants the best for me and for us, just as I want the best for them. Someone fun and imaginative , who maintains a sense of wonder. Someone who is with me, even when we're apart -- a deep connection. I want a mutual devotion where we are both willing to help the other through the hard parts of life and celebrate the good times. As BoxingChoirGal said, though, it has to be better than what I have alone. And, I like my life more all the time.


No is not weird for me as I never had those I dated to have fun I happened to find somebody I wanted to have fun forever and we were living in country x and we were form country A and B respectively so we signed the paper. ( visas are a funny thing). So we married technically I guess due to legal pressures not societal. But not because it was expected I had planned to never marry. Because the paper doesn’t mean a thing to me. But it was a requirement to stay in the same country 🤷‍♀️ Kids also didn’t happen because it was expected. One day we decided. Let’s have s baby it will be beautiful. And we did 3 and he was s good father until he wasn’t but different story. Tangible results for me is to be happy with whatever choices I make and to not hurt others in the process. The rest outside expectations can go hang they don’t live my life. Now I have divorced since 2015 was married 15 years and still live life the same way. I date for fun companionship affection. Love if somebody comes around and stars align and we choose to spend our lives together cool if not. Also cool. I have no expectations I like myself bad my life again and I have tons of fun things I enjoy doing and plan doing when my youngest 16 is an adult


I have no idea what the end goal is and certainly haven't got it all figured out. I always feel a bit of pang when sitting around the boardroom table at work and everyone is asking the younger single women about their love life. No one (close friends included) ever asks me if I'm seeing anyone and they haven't asked me about that for at least a decade. It leaves me wondering how poorly they see me - am I not seen as partner material? Anyway, I would love the end goal of marriage, but the longer time goes on without a serious partner, the more I have come to understand that is very unlikely to ever happen.


My son recently asked me if I have thought about dating again as it's been a couple of years. Are you thinking about it ? It crosses my mind maybe once a day, but I've also been busy with my dog and renovating the old house I just bought. Maybe I'll find a single, older, available charming contractor who loves dogs, lol.


So, are you seeing anyone? How’s it all going? Meet anyone even remotely interesting this weekend? If they aren’t going to ask, we can.




I had an accident Saturday and have a sprained ankle. I was a little sad that there is no partner to take care of me but my girlfriends sure did. 💕💕 My ex has little empathy and showed little care when I was sick or hurt. He went sledding/tubing when I had pneumonia on our anniversary and left me to make my own soup after an emergency appendectomy. He loved to be the hero for driving me to the emergency room at 3 am and the story became all about him. He neglected to say he left me sick on the couch to go to bed until I woke him up crying in severe pain. Ok enough poor me, but you can be more alone with someone than not.


Oh, Lordy, I'm so sorry. My ex was like that, too. I hope you're doing better now!


I am! Thank you. Sorry if I came off as bitter. Still working through it😊


I definitely am an ongoing learner, trying to avoid the cinderblock on the head lessons. I had lunch with my father yesterday and I saw a side of him I have never seen before, he was looking for connection, he was sad and reminiscing. I am trying to remember while dating that we are all just looking to connect, some have nefarious goals, may not be good at creating connections, but still want to find someone. I never had a goal of marriage and children, but I was a good partner (I made mistakes) for decades, he was not. My ability to connect, grow and love is my greatest gift. I hope to find that person that truly cherishes me as I treasure those I care about. That much I have figured out. Cheers!


My personal motto: expect nothing, accept everything. I find it leads me to self-reliance, openness, and gratitude. I love being in my 50s! ♡


I used to think I’d find a “forever person”, and buy a house together. Get married. But at this point I’d settle for some weekly companionship, someone to share adventures with. I guess the end goal is taking care of myself and my growth. Making connections. I used to think I just needed to fall in love with a wonderful person and everything would be fine. But I realized relationships are more conditional and layered. If I have it figured out, then it’s about finding a partner that has it figured out the same way.


I have two end goals in life. 1 : Being alone and enjoying life where you meet friends and learn how to cook new things. 2. Find a soul like my own that we can enjoy life together.


A healthy and supportive relationship sounds good to me.


*Matthew McConnaghey voice* You want to figure it out, slick? Life, love, happiness - well that’s a lot figuring. That’s Good Will Hunting on a blackboard figuring out, son. But if you go about being open to being figured out before going about trying to figure it out before you know it you’ve got it figured out. Go figure, slick. It’s just that easy.


This had me rolling. Then again, I often think about “I picked the wrench because F him” from Good Will Hunting




Took a lot of therapy and really hard work outside of therapy before I realized that I didn’t cause that sh!t to happen. It was done by someone who was very, very messed up and found a convenient victim. Yep. Same reaction.


I’m old fashion. I still believe in marriage.


More looking at it as not needing to which is what I thought I was supposed to do back then. May want to but don’t need to


I love this age and stage of my life. No pressure, just fun. If I like spending time with you I will. If I Stop enjoying it, I will stop spending time with you. I'm not stuck with anyone, and they aren't stuck with me.


It's weird in a good way. :) The only "end goal" is finding someone you enjoy being with, best friend, lover, confidant, play-mate, and solid enough that you expect it to last, you've "rescued" each other from the perils of OLD. :D


I definitely want to live with someone again, that partnership arrangement works really well for me. Married again? Maybe, how we choose to define our commitment would be a decision we make together.


Why does cohabitating work so well for you? I’m curious.


I love being part of a high functioning team. I also like falling asleep in my partner’s arms and sharing that first cup of coffee in the morning. There are beautiful little rituals that come together when sharing a home with someone. There is also being able to divide and conquer household duties and responsibilities. Maybe part of it comes from being an only child who left home very young and experienced a lot of life by myself.


I feel the same way. I hope we both find what we’re looking for. ☮️


That makes sense. Good luck to you!


It’s nice to not care about what society thinks of me. I do think about the end goal. I won’t marry again—zero desire for that. Someone mentioned the end goal being having someone there when you fall and break a hip, but there is no guarantee the partner would even be home. It would be easier to just get a life alert bracelet. My end goal would be living apart but together as a couple. It’s tempting to want an end goal of living together to save money and share chores, but I guess I’d have to be very in love and highly compatible to even consider that.


Recently figured out that while post my very long ago divorce I wouldn't put up with any more garbage and had developed a very strong fear of missing out by settling again, somehow I may have realized I may not actually be missing out on anything. Not that my mind couldn't be changed, but so far it hasn't happened and I 'm not losing any sleep over it.


Societal pressure is a good way to end up unhappy. Not always, but if you are diametrically opposed to marriage and kids (which is still the norm) following those pressures is a recipe for disaster.


Old habits die hard. After my divorce and entering the dating world at the age of 66, I realized that I was doing many of the same mistakes I made in my 20's when, in hindsight, should have stayed with someone I left because I was thinking about how it looked to others. Fast forward 40 years and I'm still worrying about societal pressures. What will other people think of this woman, more importantly, what will other people think of me when I am with this woman. This selection process eliminated women I should have pursued and elevated women that I should have passed on. Time will tell, it always does, but I think I finally met a woman that I like without any concerns of anything or anyone else. I think she feels the same about me. Earlier relationships were held to a standard, an expectation, that I felt from others. This time it's just about what I want. And it's a very freeing feeling.