What, and I cannot emphasize this enough, the fuck?


This, I was like: WTF!??? Is this real!!? How can such shitty people exist? It's not like she was late for partying or just being late, it was a very personal matter AND IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT STUPID BACHELORETTE PARTY 🙄


You… you actually think this is real


Yep. Because there are people this cold.


People can be this cold. People can act this terrible. Because people have acted worse.


I still call BS but who the hell knows


This is one of those situations that if you REALLY need to be told that you're the AH for complaining about someone spending time at their husband's grave... ...then you have MUCH bigger problems with your personality and moral compass. Imagine posting this believing that you are right for demanding a bridesmaid be at OOP's beck-and-call instead of dealing with her grief over losing her husband at a young age (30's). OOP doesn't need a 'clue hammer', she needs a 'clue asteroid' to hit her.


I have ADHD and I have some serious justice sensitivity. Every so often I'll get really upset about something and then in telling a friend or husband what happened realised I was over reacting. How did OP write this whole post and not notice she was being ridiculous?


WAIT, is this actually an ADHD related trait? I’ve always been super, super upset over perceived injustices (not necessarily even against me, but injustice in general) and I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.


Yup! https://www.additudemag.com/why-am-i-so-sensitive-adhd-in-adults/


… you know, sometimes I wonder how much of my personality is really MY personality and how much is reflective of some sort of ‘pathology,’ lol. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, as someone diagnosed with autism/ADHD late.


I know. I don't think we're alone with it though. I think even neurotypical folks do things like drink loads of coffee to wake them up or whatever other thing they do to calm their nerves or wake them up. Ours are just labelled.


Justice sensitivity? I didn't know that was a thing but it explains a lot to me


I get it. "These are the *rules*, why aren't people following them!?!" "That's *wrong*, why don't people understand!?!" I think in my case it was the ASD/Asperger's talking. I've learned more about the spirit of the rules and flexibility in applying them, and about just how much grey area there is in life. And that some rules are just fucking wrong.


A clue asteroid 🤣🤣 I'm done LOL But yeah I totally agree with you. OP is such a terrible person, how is she so oblivious to it?


According to one of the OPs two comments, Hayley's husband died five years ago, which would have been when she was about 28. So her twenties rather than her thirties, even bloody worse. I can't imagine the lack of empathy required not to be stunned to, on the eve of your wedding, imagine having been widowed for two years by this age.


My favorite was the bit about "talked to her about managing her time better"... Um, EXCUSE ME??? Of all the sanctimonious sh*t.....🤦‍♀️


How do you have any friends at all? YTA. I'd say more but I will get banned. You will only know grief when it happens to you. Only then you will realize the height of your selfishness over a stupid bachelorette party.


She doesn't have friends. Just sycophants.


Seriously this infuriated me SO freaking much


My BF died in 1985 and I still miss him and visit his grave. This post really appalled me.


I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't blame you - this post is disgusting


The bride is a selfish, ugly person. I feel so sorry for the cousin that lost her husband.


I seriously hope the cousin is doing okay. That broke my heart. If I was the cousin, I wouldn't be attending the wedding after that and go no contact with OP.


I totally agree. We would never speak again. Ever!


Yep!! I'm with you there. OP can kick rocks at that point, I think she showed her true colors


I’d reach out to her fiancé though. They deserve to know what they’re marrying.


A good friend of mine was ripped away recently. I will be mourning him until the day I die -- he was so important to me. I can't even imagine even being as heartless as the oop. What a fucking nitwit, can't even empathize. I feel for her future husband. I couldnt even fathom marrying let alone date someone as emotionally immature as the oop.


I am so sorry about your friend. Grief is something you'll never get over. You know, if I were her future husband and I found out my future wife did this to anyone. I would drop her and run. I hope that happens.


Holy shit please be fake


Unfortunately I was raised by someone this callous. These heartless people exist.


What an AH


In this context, it means “AssHole”. You probably saw people using the acronym “AITA” - it’s a reference to the sub where the linked thread can be found, /r/AmITheAsshole.


Wow. Obviously the bridezilla is TA to the extreme due to *why* her cousin was late to dinner. But Bridezilla's reaction to her being late to one dinner during a *whole freakin' bachelorette weekend* would have been over the top even if cousin had just been shopping or napping or whatever. It's just dinner.


I agree with this. I don’t really care what she was doing. It’s just a dinner? Calm the hell down woman. But it’s truly soooo much worse because of what she was doing. OP has zero compassion.


She treating her friends and family like they're npcs in her story or something. My response to this aita thread literally had me in tears thinking about if my husband died and how that poor cousin is trying to deal with that and I can't believe how cruel this bitch was. Like zero empathy. I read it two hours ago and I'm still in disbelief that someone can be so selfish and cold. Eta also who's getting dinner at 5pm???


My dad, if he's not working that late. But it goes: "Sorry, I was visiting X's grave." "That's all right. How are you holding up?" (Dad is self-employed, and he prefers start early/off early when possible. Clients sometimes say otherwise.)


I'd tell the bride that I would not be attending. That she has lost any respect that I had for her. And I'd probably share the messages/conversation with the groom saying, "this is who you're marrying. Imagine how she'll treat your family?"


I like the idea of sharing this with the groom. Hopefully it would be a wake-up call for him


Posting in case it gets deleted. **I AM NOT THE OP FROM THAT THREAD** "AITA for telling my cousin she can't run off to do her own thing, when she was late to dinner on my bachelorette trip Throwaway, this kind of blew up into a bigger thing and my sister said I should post on AITA I'm (30f) getting married soon and went to NY for my bachelorette trip recently. There were 8 of us including my cousin Hayley, (33f) who's one of my bridesmaids. We were only there for a couple of days and there were a few different things we wanted to do. (also I only asked people pay for their flight and hotel share, I paid for everything else) I made early dinner reservations for everyone on our last night, and we were going somewhere else after. Hayley mentioned that day she wanted to go visit a cemetery to pay her respects (edit: it was to visit her late husband)- I said okay but to be back in time to go to dinner. I made the reservations for 5 and it was already 4.30, but Hayley wasn't back at the hotel. A couple of us called but she didn't pick up, and she sent a text saying she was running late and she would meet us at the restaurant. She ended up coming close to 6. I talked to her later about being so late and managing her time better, Hayley made an excuse but I replied this was supposed to be a girls trip, not so she can go run off to do her own thing without thinking of anyone else. She got pretty upset and we flew back the next day, but she kept quiet, and my sister said she saw her crying. I did text her later but she left it on seen. My sister thinks I shouldn't have said that to her, but a couple of the others girls agree Hayley shouldn't have been late. AITA?"


I told her I hope Hayley nopes out of the whole wedding. I can't imagine being so narcissistic and self-absorbed that you're mad someone took longer than expected ar her husband's grave. Awful.


Agree with all of this, but also add that Hayley should nope out of her whole life too. Seriously, after that I would never talk to OP again


If bride managed to pull her head out of ass and manage a sincere apology I'd be willing to offer a tentative olive branch and keep her at a distance for a while (I have a very small family as it is). That said I do agree that I absolutely wouldn't blame her for cutting off the bride entirely either. Just awful.


Tbh I'd be shocked if bride even managed to do a sincere apology, she just sounds so inconsiderate. Even if she did, I'd still go low to no contact. It just looks OP exposed her true colors to me. I just feel bad for Hayley all around.


Oh yeah. Even if she apologized it'd be low contact for a long time. I feel awful for Hayley


I was wondering when this would make an appearance in the bridezilla category. She is the worst!! I was appalled when I saw the reason her poor cousin was late. I’m 47 and can’t even fathom becoming a widow. This girl was 28 when her husband died. It will cause her sadness the rest of her life but only 5 years have passed. It has to be so devastating still. Especially being in a wedding and having all those memories come flooding back. I hope she never speaks to the AH bridezilla — or her stupid friends who agree with her. OMG I’m angry all over again 😡😤🤬


If her husband was from NY, more than likely he is buried in one of the massive cemeteries in Queens. It's not easy to get to and easy to get lost. It's not surprising she was late but who in NYC eats that early anyway?!


Maybe it was the only time she could get a reservation, early bird special, or they were going to show afterwards 🤷‍♀️. Five isn’t that early speaking as someone who normally eats between 6-7. I do think the bride was rude, but I do think the cousin should have said she is going to skip this one dinner so she could go to the grave.


"Run off & do her own thing".... I can't. This has to be one of the most cruel ways to describe her visiting her husband's grave, in a city they had to travel to. During a time when she's watching someone get married & most definitely was having a rightfully emotional time at his grave. The what ifs, I wish's, Why's, etc. And she got scolded for being late?


Maaaaaan. Her cousin went to see her late husbands grave. How the Eff does the bride not cut her slack for this…


The irony that OP is about to be married yet is such a selfish and callous POS. I really hope her fiance finds out and runs as fast as they can. Those aren't warning bells, they are warning SIRENS. OP is for sure top 5 biggest assholes I have ever seen on Reddit.


She better pray that she’s never in her cousin’s shoes. Losing a partner is absolutely devastating.


How can some people get through life without having a single shred of self-awareness? If I’m the cousin, I’m never speaking to OOP for as long as I live, let alone attending the wedding. In fact, I’d no-show, just to ruin their “special day.”


Only way she could be a bigger asshole is if he killed the husband… Jesus Christ wtf is wrong with people??? The bridezilla tantrums are absolutely out of control. What they expect from their guest and bridesmaid is wayyyy too much. All in the argument of “ it’s my day!” I do not get this. We paid for everything at our wedding and didn’t even do a registry because we were grateful because took time and spend money on outfits and everything to come celebrate our wedding and love!


“The 33yo widow inconvenienced me with her grief!”


One of the most morbidly ‘amusing’ things about that thread is all of the top commenters initially posting that OP is the asshole … and then going back to edit their comments after OP reveals the full details to make sure OP knows they’re even MORE of an asshole.


So the cousin waited until the last day and, assumedly, the least important dinner (because its just the final goodbye not an actual event) to visit her husbands grave which I am also assuming is not somewhere she can visit often given OP stated that everyone paid for their own flights and hotel, and yet OP thinks that being maybe 45 minutes late is an issue? What an absolute twat....


I refuse to believe this isn’t made up. It aligns too well to create a villain we can all hate


There's people like this in real life, and all too often they become bad managers.


Lol, this is way too accurate.


Yeah, there seems a trend of "I, the bride, was deeply offended and insulted because my sister/best friend/cousin missed \[a part of a wedding-related event\] although I wanted her to be there with me so badly but her boyfriend/fiancé/husband/son that died/was actively dying that very day was apparently more important than my dream wedding, I suppose" posts recently.


Trust me I hope this crap is fake too because how could anyone be so oblivious like OP. Sadly, there are people like OP in the world.


I give my condolences to OP’s cousin. And also, what in the unholy fuck?!


OOP is as cruel as the boss who bullied his worker into leaving a note [on a grave](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/worst-boss-in-the-world-company-wont-tell-us-when-someone-is-fired-and-more.html). I hope Hayley goes NC on OOP, at least for a while. OOP has no respect for them.


AITA thread's been locked already!?!? Damn, they tore her a new one.


She deserved it


Not arguing, just impressed. :)


So what did you actually pay for if everyone paid for their FLIGHTS & HOTEL?????


Another bridezilla wants to know if she is an AH. First... First... Oh, hell, no! I just cannot do this again. Yes, you are an AH!


Wow OP is definitely the AH




Nobody can be this self-unaware, can they?


r/raisedbynarcissists says yes.


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You are heartless. Clearly, you've never lost someone you love more than yourself. Paying respects to her late husband takes precedence over any stinking party. If she never speaks to you again, it's too soon. Yes, you are most definitely the asshole.


LoL I love how the sister sent her to reddit to be eviscerated.


I read this earlier and I've gotta say it somewhere. I'm married to the actual love of my life. If he were to pass and be buried in another state where I didn't have access to his grave and someone reacted this way after I went to visit him....I can NOT EVEN describe the wrath I'd reign down upon this person. She would be lucky to make it to her wedding when I got finished with her.


Hey OP (I know you are reading this thread too). Pls don't get married. You are not matured enough. Also, YTA.


What makes this worse to me is bride is 30!!!! If she doesn’t know better by now she will never know. Giant AH.


Hasnt anyone noticed that the bride is acting all generous by saying "I only had them pay for their hotel and flights. I paid for everything else!" As thought hotel and flights arent the bulk of the expense! Im glad she paid for some stuff as so many brides expect not to pay a dime, even for themselves. But still...


That was my thought, too. A few dinners paid for by her won't comp their other expenses.


Tell me you're an insensitive arsehole without saying you're an insensitive arsehole.


I scrolled down exactly one swipe and found the original. Predictably ugly in there albeit if it was ever deserved.... holy crap. Dad ( born 1931 different time ) was a Lutheran minister. He *loathed* doing weddings, said he'd rather be called in for a funeral any day. You can see his point.


This post made me cry. GFY, OP. All the way off.


*The wardrobe, the witch and the entitlement of this bitch*




YTA! Wow, so inconsiderate of your cousin. I'm a widow too and just attending a wedding is difficult, I can't imagine how I'd get through being a bridesmaid. You going to be mad at her if she starts crying at your wedding? Such a selfish and cold hearted cousin. Maybe she needed time to herself afterwards to pull herself together. Have a little empathy.


The only valid response to ‘I might be late, I’m going to go visit my husband’s grave’ is along the lines of ‘take all the time you need, would you like me to go with you?’ Not this narcissistic crap. The poor cousin 😔


I swear there was an AITA from the bridesmaid in this situation not too long ago


Holy hell on fire


This is a troll, right?




Oh no the op already knew where she was going beforehand and still laid into her for being later than expected. Awful awful person.


I’m not sure how I feel about it. It’s hard being a young widow especially if her husband recently died. However if you promise someone you will be a certain place at a certain time you should be there unless it’s an emergency or traffic. If Hayley isn’t emotionally up to being a bridesmaid she should have backed out. I feel the bride should have given Hayley some grace here. Or ask Hayley if she needed some Ali e time that night. In a way I think they were both in wrong and should have communicated with each other better.


If my friend was late to a fucking dinner because she was VISITING HER DEAD HUSBANDS GRAVE, I would say nothing on the matter and continue like she’d been there the whole time. Yeah, she made plans to be there but that’s her HUSBAND. Not a cousin, not an old associate, not a coworker, her HUSBAND. If you really think cousin was in any way in the wrong here, you should probably re-evaluate your life.


Tell me you are incapable of basic empathy without telling me you are incapable of basic empathy.


I’m empathic to the cousin. I do understand grief doesn’t have a timeline. I’m not faulting her for visiting a grave site she may not get often. The bride should have been more empathic. I can see why being in the wedding would bring up the bittersweet memories of her own wedding and marriage. It’s all right if she needed a few hours alone to cry, grief and process. All she said to say to the bride was she struggling that day and needed a few hours alone and she won’t make dinner or might be late start without her.


Perhaps PERHAPS I could see your point if the person annoyed was the ONLY person she was supposed to be meeting, but the bride had assorted family and friends already with her so why did it matter that her cousin who was visiting the grave of her deceased spouse - something she probably doesn't get to do often since they flew there - was late to dinner. She knew where her cousin was and she knew why, assuming she was late for personal reasons is the best idea and to say hey are you OK and thank you for making it is the only way to deal with her arrival when she did show up. I bet the trip was utterly heart breaking for that woman she was supposed to be celebrating and supporting her cousins marriage but in the back of her mind it will be bringing up her own love that she lost and reminding her of her own wedding and happiness that she had and is now gone, and her own trip and excitement and things from her wedding memories all of them are now tainted with loss. she's also visiting a place probably absolutely covered in good memories of her and her late husband, trying to put a brave face on and have fun surrounded by her loss and then have her cousin pop off on her for being late to dinner. Its not like she left her hanging solo for an hour waiting on her with no idea what was going on she's making it into a huge issue when it didn't need to be. He'll she could be late for any reason and it should be fine, I'm sure she wouldn't be mad if she missed xyz drinks or food even if everyone started without her, maybe just maybe if they weren't allowed to be seated or served until the whole party was present and it was somewhere inflexible with changing a booking or some exclusive craphole with a waiting list that would tell them to go if they were too late, then sure they can be a little peeved but other than that no one has any right to be mad at that lady for visiting her husbands grave.


This has nothing to do with her emotional capabilities. She was out of town & where her **DEAD HUSBAND IS BURIED**. I live out of state from where my grandparents are buried but no matter the reason I go home, a visit to the cemetery is always a non negotiable. I live far away & I never get to visit them, sounds like OP's cousin is in the same shoes. OP sounds like an entitled bitch. It was a bachelorette, it's not like she left her hanging for the rehearsal dinner or was late to the wedding itself. It's a party, not a coronation.


YTA - your wedding probably brought up memories of her own beautiful day. Obviously, she is still grieving his loss. While it may be your wedding, the rest of the world goes on. Try showing some compassion and grace. Did you ever think that maybe this was hard for her? Hope you are getting married in the middle of winter - this way you can blend in with all the other snowflakes.


Sister is the only non-AH here (other than poor Hayley). Humanity never fails to disappoint.


Seriously.....................you have to ask if you're the asshole??????