T O P
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spaceursid

Now it's your turn to be traumatized by walking in on me.


Microthrowaway64

"I'm not actually gay, Mum and Dad. It's just a hypothetical question on Reddit."


CollectiblePixie

5 more minutes, mom.


FierySharknado

It's multiplayer, I can't pause


youcried

Mum im clutching


Eclipsa_

squueeAA


Bbkobeman

Showoff


issabumgun

Say "This isnt where i parked my car"


laeiryn

bonus points if your dad's name is Scott because SCOTTY DIDN'T KNOW


the_421_Rob

She tells him she’s in church but she doesn’t go because…


helpimstarvingagain

At least I can’t get pregnant


miauguau44

Given the current state of the U.S., this is a net positive. As a parent I'd just close the door and set an extra place for dinner.


SinisterMeatball

Hope your serving hot dogs or tacos. Then you can give em a wink.


turquoise2j

How'd that get in there


almar4567

Fix the DAMN DOOR


Sphincter_Revelation

YOU'LL GET YOUR RENT WHEN YOU FIX THE DAMN DOOR


JonathanBoi69

He's a good boy...just something is not right


ForsythePhD

I'm gonna put some dirt in your eye.


turquoise2j

He is a GOOD BOY GOOD BOY


LPenne

When you bust a nut you yell “I’M BACK! I’M BAAAAAAACK!”


Mysterious_Editor698

“Look ma, no hands”


DarkPasta

"I'm as surprised as you". Also: "I'm 46, what the fuck are you doing in my bedroom?"


Round_Spartan

The spare key is for emergencies so someone better be dead or dying


weekend-guitarist

Well it looks like Phil is dying for you to finish up.


nicamex

Fill up Phillip


Farknart

I asked 31 women what their favorite shampoo was. The top response was "what the fuck are you doing in my bathroom."


mat191

What were the other answers on the board


Farknart

2. "Get out!" 3. "Ricky!" (Yes, same one, he gave me a black eye in two different residences) 4. "Mayonnaise" 5. "Time for your medication"


dmcdmcdmc817

"Here Pops, tag up, I need some water"


smaksandewand

"it's homework for school!"


PoppingCandi

Pride month, we all have to do one gay thing. It’s for charity.. or something


n_kachow

I’m just showing my support during pride month


Blinky_

Like most corporations, I only do gay in June.


PM_me_your_fantasyz

Corporations fuck everyone year round, so I think they are technically pansexual.


IdontGiveaFack

lmao solid.


rnottaken

Hey dad. Hey dad.


AdOk3759

AHAHAHA


PM_ME_UR_CUDDLEZ

Freud probably spit out his coffee hearing that


Christmas_Panda

Ah, I knew Freud was a quitter. Champs swallow.


MaksimMeir

Time Travelers Wife?


AfellowchuckerEhh

"Oh daddy! Hey daddy!"


StreetDog6969

I don’t get it. Please explain?


Hans_Assmann

He got 2 dads cuz his parentes r gay lik him


Nice_Bake

We're just eating hummus!


TtotheRev

What is this from again? I can’t remember the reference


Im_MrLonely

[It's from a post on r/TIFU.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/u8qpe7/tifu_by_thinking_my_son_was_eating_hummus_when_he/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)


ilovemyhiddenself

That’s the update. [Here’s the original.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/u7wwey/tifu_by_thinking_my_son_was_having_gay_sex_when/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)


windlabyrinth

Has me crying that the last post on that account is "finally got around to making hummus"


JustALocalJew

Hahaha this is a great story!


Tifoso89

That one is the follow-up. The first one was "I thought they were having gay sex but actually it was hummus"


DiscreetLobster

And the follow-up was "I thought they were eating hummus but actually it was gay sex"


ItsCrypt1cal

Hummusexual


craybest

Hahaha so glad more people read that story


Blackgu1tar2

“its exactly what it looks like”


Daphoon231

Plus make eye contact and hold eye contact.


FuckYeahPhotography

Then bust the largest nut of your entire existence while never breaking that intense eye contact. A nut **so powerful that your ancestors and their ancestors before them feel the rush.** Unleash a flood so fierce and limitless that it would make Katrina envious. Noah will need a second arc. **That wasn't a typo btw.** Noah will need a **shonen protagonist level training arc** from like every mentor figure to ever exist. Send in Roshi, Genkai, Jiraiya, Rayleigh, All-Might, Izumi, etc. to train up Noah because **he is going to need it all** to even possibly stand a chance of surviving the sticky white reckoning that awaits. I hope that big-ass zoo-boat is made of titanium steel this time around, noey-boy. This biblical nut is going to be so world-ending in scale that there will be five horsemen of the apocalypse after I **big-bang-bust. The Cum Horseman.** Moses wouldn't even attempt to split this load, he knows it is futile. Raining frogs? Try raining down copious amounts of cum, Pharaoh. Reality throughout the cosmos itself will change by the end of this orgasm. As for your intimate partner? They have already been so consumed by this load that they have been absorbed into the ether itself. **Erased from existence by this morbillionaire money shot**. Straight up jizzed them into the embrace of the void **(with consent of course).** There will be such a maelstrom of cum that time of human history will be divided into two sections afterwards. Historians that survive will abide by **BCE (Before Cum Era)** and **CE (Cum Era)** moving forward. The exact shift between eras being my cataclysmic cum storm, which wise elders will speak of by the campfire in hushed whispers for generations to cum. There will be statues erected in worship of this cumshot. Ozymandias weeps. This righteous godlike nut will be summoned as I glare at my parents during the act. **Actually, no. Not only them.** Anyone in my sights will be confronted with the dominance of my gaze. I will hold passionate deep eye contact with all of you at once. I won't break that intimate gaze until the need of the deed that is unleashing my seed is done. [BONUS POINTS: If you roar out "YABBA DABBA DOOO!!!!" when you climax. My comment under the Giant Party Squid will be your guide if you seek the forbidden knowledge.](https://www.reddit.com/user/FuckYeahPhotography/comments/twjigi/game_2_spicy_freshly_cooked_pastas_in_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)


mrsn_catmaster

\>The girl? ​ Which girl?


Parziivel

The mom ofc


FuckYeahPhotography

I am borderline illiterate and just slam my fists into the buttons with letters/symbols on them. Any complete sentence you see from me is sheer random chance. Kinda like how a million monkeys with typewriters will eventually write Hamlet or a million much dumber monkeys will write something from Ayn Rand. It has been changed to intimate partner. Hopefully. Idk


Silly-Employment

>Kinda like how a million monkeys with typewriters will eventually write Hamlet or a million much dumber monkeys will write something from Ayn Rand. Hehe


_dead_and_broken

u/FuckYeahPhotography is my new favorite person for that line alone 🖤


kelsobjammin

Can we be friends irl


Howulikeit

The goal is to blast so hard that the guy's anatomy more closely resembles that of a girl in that brief moment before (s)he is consumed by the void.


Howulikeit

"It's not gay, mom and dad. I blew his dick off!"


PSPHAXXOR

There is *so* much to unpack here. Someone get my squeegee.


barry922

Soon to be heritage post


A_Mouse_In_Da_House

Gay sex my lad. The topic is gay sex


Strong-Tomorrow2601

r/Noahgettheboat got more litteral


mexicanpenguin-II

Solid plan, will let you know how it goes


Avenger020331

This is art.


Sweatybutthole

I immediately knew from your writing style that you were the user who wrote that comment about Mr. Krabs being "deranged and ungovernable" . I still think about that comment regularly, and want you to know that you have a very unique and valuable sense of humor. Long live the Cum Era.


cnicalsinistaminista

"Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing."


Confident-Slice4044

Nothing. It’s rude to speak with your mouth full.


rztan

*gawk gawk* Yeah you like that baby? Hey, knock before you guys come... *gawk gawk gawk gawk* In, that's rude. *splurt splurt*


Sumit316

Please put an NSFW tag on this. I was on the train and when I saw this I had to start furiously masturbating. Everyone else gave me strange looks and were saying things like “what the fuck” and “call the police”. I dropped my phone and everyone around me saw this text. Now there is a whole train of men masturbating together at this one comment. This is all your fault, you could have prevented this if you had just tagged this post NSFW.


pbondo2

But ... I thought I buried you?


thetomahawk42

Both my parents were cremated, so that would be extra-awkward...


[deleted]

[удалено]


TomoyoHoshijiro

"Wait, you're dead" "That's not very nice!" "You don't understand, I carried his casket!"


TabbsTheBat

"have you heard of knocking?"


CyberneticFennec

"Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?"


TabbsTheBat

It's much better to face these kind of things with a sense of poise and rationality :p


mattyisphtty

"Well, in fact... well, I'll look at it this way I mean, technically, our marriage is saved"


ihavethebestmarriage

No... is that a new position?


JunketMan

"I mean, he was knocking something into me"


rightpart-rightprice

continue. don’t be the one who got caught having sex, make your parents the ones who were watching you have sex.


Turicus

Stare them down while continuing.


Rough-Judgment7555

Yeah, and start to increase speed while looking deep into their eyes


WeekendBard

"you're next, pal"


badboybalo

Moan aggressively


madeformarch

And most importantly, don't finish, just keep going. Or do finish, but make it spectacular


UYScutiPuffJr

Turns your power top into a power move


krusty556

Those two guys in Ali G inda house said it best: "We thought if the world was gonna end we might as well give it a go." Edit: Goes to bed with 5 upvotes, wakes up to over 6k. Classic Reddit. This might be how my main man Tyson felt when he earned his second slit. Edit: 9k now. This pole is going to need a lot of polishing.


Space_Cowboy2099

Booyakasha!


44fowsand

Feels quite nice actually lol


the-tinman

Dude, take your cock out my mouth so I can tell mom to go away


MoysterShooter

You mean "wagacuuugommamo"


BoopingTheSnooting

wenomechainasama


Cursed_69420

>wenomechainasama tumaharbisaun


Minnesota_Boy_18

wifenlooof


Tall_Fortune

astelifterbraun


Willy_Billy_WHO

“Sup” and continue fucking


itxtalone

Lol, not my parents but this happened to me and a girlfriend. We were in her room, she didn't come out to her parents yet. She was on her bed, I was kneeling down eating her out. Her dad walks in asking a question, me and him make eye contact, his face goes white. She like covers her head with a pillow and screams. He backs out ad closes the door. We're mortified. Eventually her mom calls up saying dinner ready. We come down and sit at table, there's pizza, everyone is quite, its super awkward. Her Dad breaks the silence, " I got veggies and pepperoni because I guess you two don't like sausage." Everyone laughs, we're blushing, dinner is pretty normal after that Edit spelling.


blurblelurble

Dad of the year.


RightYogurtcloset664

Any good dad can make dad jokes under pressure


the_seraphim

Evolutionary adaptation


LowmoanSpectacular

Adadtation


Baron_Nova_Star

Thank you


Peter_See

*dadaptation


fibojoly

That kinda situation is *precisely* what dad jokes are for, imho. Make a joke so silly it takes away from the embarrassing situation at hand and makes everybody just relax because surely, nothing can be as embarrassing as having made such a joke.


GiantNinja

It's the Dad version of taking one for the team... Laugh at me instead, I can take it, lol


Superflypete

Everyone hates dad jokes until they realize where they come from


DHFranklin

He was sitting on that joke for an hour.


thisisntadam

I'd be willing to bet that he knew his daughter's orientation way before thatday, and he had that joke in the barrel for months.


Southern-Network-684

It must be comforting knowing your daughter won’t be at risk of teenage pregnancy


kpidhayny

My daughter was always really open about her bi nature and when she was fawning over girls, my stress levels were definitely much lower. It’s a perk!


mickeymouse4348

Studies show that teenage pregnancies drop off significantly after their 20th birthday


ChaplnGrillSgt

That man is a legend. Dear God.


Taeyx

absolute legend. protect at all costs


xX_nasenbaer420_Xx

he definitely won the dad joke game for all time


worldofruins

Wow this went way better for you than it did for me back in the day. Girlfriend was going down on me, mom did that thing that moms do where they knock and then open the door before ever getting a reply, and proceeded to kick my girlfriend out.. and then me out spewing all sorts of hateful shit. She came around and let me come home a few weeks later and seemed to have changed her views and got along very well with girlfriend after that. But man that was not how I wanted to come out to my mom.


doctorake38

It's great your mom came around


thejestercrown

This one wins. Accurate reactions, and parents handle it beautifully.


stug_life

They knew before that.


ilovegingermen

Probably waiting forever to make that joke


BusyFriend

The mad lad has been avoiding sausage pizza for years just for this moment.


itxtalone

Probably.


roxan1930

That's just perfect!


thraashman

Dad joke Olympic gold medalist.


Perverted_Fapper

That is one hell of a dad.


koobus_venter1

Dad… meet my daddy


lowtoiletsitter

Ah, so he's a Discipline Daddy


thedialupgamer

Have you guys met my boyfriend yet?


troubleis1

"Finally a guy that can catch a ball in this family!"


AGlitchedNPC

Well I did tell you I'm bisexual


Imposseeblip

I came out to my parents this year, and this was my exact thought word for word.


Rulligan

Openly out queer people in this thread: "I'm not sure how this is different from them catching having straight sex"


bfaithr

I’m out, but my parents are extremely homophobic. They told me if I even bring a “same sex partner” in the house, I’m getting kicked out. I don’t think I’d say anything, I’d just cry because I wouldn’t have anywhere to go


Rulligan

If I could give you a hug, I would. No one deserves that.


IdontGiveaFack

Just tell them "I won't bring the same sex partner in the house. It'll be a different one each time."


bamfbanki

"I've been out for a decade this isn't that surprising"


[deleted]

[удалено]


ibiacmbyww

I came out to my parents as bisexual 10 years ago. My mum told me not to tell my sister, as she was too young to really understand, and that she would handle it for me when she was old enough. I was about to go off to college, so I left the proverbial ball in her court. Last year I came out as transgender to my entire family, including my now-adult sister. We had the following exchange: Me: "So, yeah, I'm trans. And all that that entails (mimes snipping gesture for effect)." Sister: "Grooooss lol" Me: "If it makes it easier at all, I'm, like, still mostly into girls." Sister: "...WAITAMINUTE YOU'RE BISEXUAL TOO?!" Thanks, mum.


AGlitchedNPC

Well that sucks. (what your mom did, not the other stuff)


psubs07

At least I'M getting laid. Unlike some people in this house.


Shootcrabs

"I'm not gay a guy on reddit has supernatural transdimensional like powers and warped me into this random man I don't know"


sketchyduck

You don't know that. Reddit could have warped some random man into you.


lurkinarick

ah yes, the good ol' reddit [analaroo](https://www.reddit.com/r/HumansBeingBros/comments/vofx3h/helping_a_sugar_glider_stuck_on_the_barbed_wire/iee3idq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)!


HomingSnail

Hold my lube, I'm going in!


Productof2020

Wait… are you going into the link chain, or…


CXDFlames

Hi people from the future


anon123456seven

haaaaaaaave you met Ted?


jsprague6

Daddy's home


MatsAshandarei

I got confused, I thought it was boys will do boys!


Thorzorn

Im only transferring my power into him, just like the ancient warriors.


FailedTheSave

How'd you get into my house?


The_Pickle_Man24

Ok.. Um.. So this is Ryan Reynolds...


_Lane_

*Both Mom and Dad start rapidly undressing* "We can see that. Move over, we're tagging in."


crazyrediamond

i was just examining his prostate mom, you know i'm a doctor


glisteningdinkus

Mom, I'm 62 years old so I can screw or be screwed by whomever I choose. Also, what are you doing walking into my house without knocking or announcing yourself?


Illustrious_Eye7127

Well In my case nothing as I was a bit shocked, but my mother practically pissed herself laughing as she backed out of the room telling us she’d leave the tea she was bringing by the door. Kind of killed my enthusiasm to continue. and she still makes jokes about it nearly two decades later.


Codles

Your mom sounds amazing TBH.


Cleginator

Father O’Mahony was just showing me how to pray the gay away


dr_xenon

“You’re even gayer for watching gay sex.”


spankymuffin

"Why are you staring? What are you, gay??"


VinniIsAsleep

“I’m a man married to a man mom, this really shouldn’t be that shocking at this point”


FakeEnglishmen47

*Raises hands immediately* No homo!


thecrazypoz

(눈‸눈) ...Fine! You win this time. But next time we catch you and you don't say no homo, we're kicking you out of the house! Also, use condoms!


nnm_UA

Kinda cool how eyes of the (눈‸눈) kaomoji are actually words for "eye" in Korean, huh


thecrazypoz

That's actually quite interesting. I didn't know that.


Hukummereaka

Look mom-dad..no hands


Mootcentipede63

Oh my god noooooo lmao


j4zzzyyy

Look! My socks are still on!


Livia_D1

I never understand the thing with socks 😅


AdOk3759

It doesn’t work if the socks are rainbow. I know from experience.


tsar_David_V

What about thigh-highs?


Minnesota_Boy_18

I save the rainbow thigh highs for the homies <3


jpax6305

I Slipped


BAKjustAthought

I think it would be more awkward if they walked in on me having straight sex


ultimatekayozz

"What the... you're a man?!"


RightYogurtcloset664

“Greg, hes balls deep in your ass”


FenHarels_Heart

"Damn, I thought I just liked getting pegged."


Turbulent-Smile4599

So? I like squishing my vagina against her vagina. So? So what, mom? DAD? Now if you’ll excuse me squish squish squish squish


AdOk3759

Squish squish squish


Turbulent-Smile4599

We are now squish sisters


PainDarx

Squishters


JangoF76

Yep, this is definitely how lesbians have sex


Fun_Acanthisitta1399

Indeed. But you need to be careful or you get stuck to each other like a plunger to a tile.


crazyalbinopolarbear

You're next


YourEyesAreBleeding

"I'll pack my things" My parents are homophobic and would definitely disown me


user91790

It wasn’t me. Best advice from Shaggy


[deleted]

"I've never done this before, I swear! I'm usually the top"


bobssteakhouse

Trying it out before the SCOTUS bans it.


DanManKs

Well at least you don't have to worry about paying for an illegal abortion now!!


devilsephiroth

Uncomfortable facts


Mysterious-Lettuce78

either join in or leave, this ain’t a peep show


Kewkky

"I'm just playing Smash with my bros, dad!"


SilkyElen

Sorry for not telling you sooner? Also knock next time please so we have time to get decent thankyou


amors-love

“I’m not gay, HE sucked MY dick”


the_french_metalhead

Maybe, I should have close the door ?